How to Get Your Anxious Attachment Ex Back: A Complete Guide
Breaking up is hard for anyone. But when your ex has an anxious attachment style, the breakup can stir up some deep fears of abandonment. This makes the path to getting them back more complicated.
In this guide, we’ll discuss everything you need to understand about anxious attachment. We’ll also give you science-based tips on reaching out, reconnecting emotionally, and handling your anxieties.
With some empathy, patience, and the right approach, you can healthily rekindle things.
What is Anxious Attachment?
Let’s start by understanding anxious attachment. This attachment style develops early in life, based on childhood experiences with caregivers.
Individuals with an anxious attachment style have an extreme fear of abandonment. They constantly seek validation and reassurance from their partner. They need a lot of closeness in relationships to feel secure.
This intense need for comfort comes from deep-rooted worries about being unloved or alone. These fears get triggered hard during a breakup.
Why Breakups Are So Hard for Anxious Attachments
When a breakup happens, your ex’s fears of abandonment go into overdrive. Being left unleashes overwhelming anxiety and despair.
Losing their relationship threatens your ex’s source of security. The pain of the breakup brings up old wounds from childhood. Their primal need for emotional comfort gets stirred up.
In this turbulent state, getting them back seems like the only way to calm their fears. They desperately crave that sense of attachment and belonging again.
Common Behaviors of Anxious Attachments Post-Breakup
Your anxious attachment ex will likely show certain behaviors as they try to deal with the breakup:
1. Persistent Contact to Get You Back
In the initial protest stage, your ex will resist the breakup. They’ll make constant efforts to reconnect and rekindle the romance.
This contact is often their anxious attachment system in overdrive. They desperately want that loving connection again to soothe their abandonment fears.
2. Idealizing the Relationship
Your ex is also likely to glorify the relationship. They’ll selectively remember only the good times, downplaying conflicts.
This is because losing the idealized relationship represents losing their secure base. This magnifies the emotional pain.
3. Obsessive Thoughts About the Breakup
Anxious attachers tend to ruminate over the breakup – what they could have done differently, replaying conversations in their head.
Counterfactual thinking keeps them stuck in the past, hindering their ability to heal. They obsess over hypothetical scenarios to “fix” the breakup.
4. Jealousy About You Moving On
The thought of you being with someone else can be deeply upsetting. Needing to be special to you, any hint of replacement triggers their abandonment fears further.
Seeing you happy and moving forward without them contradicts the belief that you are their vital source of comfort.
The Optimal Timeframe for Getting an Anxious Ex Back
Research shows the first 1-3 months post-breakup is the optimal window for reconciliation. Here’s why:
Emotions Are Raw
Fresh out of the relationship, longing and heartache are at their peak. Your anxious ex is likely to be stuck in protest mode with an intense desire to reunite.
Detachment Hasn’t Set In
In the first few months, your ex is still emotionally invested. As time passes, they start detaching as a coping mechanism. Reconnecting gets harder.
The Stages of Breakup Recovery
Psychologists describe 3 general stages your anxious ex will go through:
- Protest – Resisting the breakup, contacting you excessively
- Despair – Feeling sad but realizing the situation
- Detachment – Moving on, decreasing odds of reconciliation
So act soon, while your ex is likely still in the early protest phase. Time is of the essence!
How to Reach Out to Your Anxious Attachment Ex the Right Way
When initiating contact after a breakup, strategy is everything. Here are some tips:
Lead with Empathy
Show you understand how painful this is for them. Say something like:
“I know this breakup has brought up a lot of difficult emotions. I want you to know I still care deeply about you and your feelings.”
This validation can begin soothing their abandonment fears.
Don’t Overwhelm
Take an indirect, non-aggressive approach. Don’t overwhelm them with constant calls, texts or demands to get back together immediately.
Be patient and let them dictate the pace after your initial outreach. Pressuring will only drive them away.
Listen Actively
When you do connect, let them vent and share their breakup emotions. Actively listen and reflect their feelings back to them.
Give them the space to get things off their chest before jumping into reconciliation.
Reconnecting Emotionally with Your Anxious Ex
To move towards renewal, you need to rebuild emotional intimacy and trust. Here’s how to do that:
Make Them Feel Secure
Have conversations showing you understand their attachment anxieties. Reassure them you’ll be responsive to their needs and won’t abandon them.
Statements like “I’m here for you” and “We can work through this together” can be very comforting.
Demonstrate Reliability
Back up your words with consistent actions. Respond promptly to their contacts, showing yourself as a stable presence.
Set aside quality time to interact and show you’re invested in reconnecting.
Create Positive Experiences
Generate new shared memories through fun activities you both enjoy. Emotionally bonding over new experiences builds foundations for a renewed relationship.
Coping with Your Own Anxieties
As the partner tries to get them back, you’ll feel anxious, too.
Make sure to:
Practice Self-Care
This emotional time can really stress you out. Counterbalance by doing relaxing activities just for yourself. Don’t get so wrapped up in the situation that you neglect your needs.
Use Emotional Regulation Techniques
Try mindfulness, meditation, journaling, exercise – anything healthy that helps you stay centered. Getting overwhelmed by anxiety will sabotage your efforts.
Keep Expectations Realistic
Be hopeful about reconciling, but also realistic. The relationship had issues that need work. Retroactively idealizing the past will only lead to disappointment.
Manage your expectations, be patient with the process, and protect your emotional well-being.
Signs Your Anxious Ex Has Moved On
As hard as it is, sometimes you have to step back and let your anxious ex go. Watch for these signals they have detached:
- They go long stretches without contacting you
- Their social media depicts them having fun without you
- They start dating someone new
- They tell you directly they’ve moved on
If you notice these signs, the healthiest thing may be accepting the breakup and moving forward separately.
Learning and Growing from the Experience
However things turn out, this is a chance for self-reflection and personal growth for both you and your ex. Here are some ideas:
Analyze the Relationship Dynamics
Think about what worked and what didn’t. What could you both have done better? Strive to take ownership of your shortcomings.
Seek Professional Support
Get guidance from a therapist specialized in attachment theory and relationships. They can provide tools to identify and correct unhealthy attachment patterns.
Apply Lessons to the Future
Use what you’ve learned to be more secure in yourself and your relationships going forward – whether with your ex or new partners.
In Conclusion
I hope this guide gives you a roadmap to reconnect with an anxious attachment ex in a healthy, compassionate way. The key is understanding their fears, being patient, and managing your emotions.
With empathy and care, you can get back together and build an even stronger bond than before. I wish you the very best in this journey back to love.
